I just know how to put my foot in it, to say just the right thing to really get someones goat, hit them where it hurts, its like someone pisses me off, and the thing that comes to mind to say, seems to turn out to be really cutting and hurtful, before i have had a chance to think before i say it.
No sooner have the words left my lips, i wish i could reach out and catch them, before they reach the destination, and cram them quickly back into my mouth.
Sometimes i just say things for the sake of it, well, more like not thinking before i speak, i just let what ever rolls through my brain roll from my tongue.
Maybe if i stopped for a second, be one of those people who ponder, or pause before they speak, a bit like the actors of Sunset Beach; someone catches someone else doing something they shouldnt 'oh my god, what are you doing Blake?' and blake looks up all startled and says... nothing just looks surprised and off into the distance, then break to another scene, then return to the Blake scene again after about twenty minutes, and hes still looking off into the distance, before answering ' er nothing, honestly' with his pants round his ankles.
anyway the long pause, i heard once that people who pause more before they reply, and people who tend to have pauses or breaks with words like er while they are talking, unconsciously entice us to listen more attentively as we pay more attention to what is coming next. True Fact
Since hearing that i have noticed that er, it er really makes you er take more er notice.
so, er anyway, i should think before i speak, rather than fill a gap with a noise let it just be quiet for a while, or write it all down before i try and articulate it to someone else.
I asked my mum that i was thinking i might not be doing this for the right reasons, and if it was all going to wrong after feb, and if it was normal to be feeling worried, she said it was, i wonder if she really wishes i was just packing it all in and coming home, that i changed my mind and this isnt what i want,
do i want to hear her say it, or do i want to be out here doing what i am doing.
Why can i not stop thinking not so positive things and thinking its all going to go tits up soon as there is matrimony.
I cant control what is going to happen, thats good because if i could, i would probably go mad worrying if this or that was the right thing to do, in that way i do have control, as i can choose to worry about needless things that i can not do anything about, and just trust and go with the flow, that all is how it should be, and thats its all happening as it should.
Two sides to every story though, and a miriad of paths to choose from, each one having a consequence and pros and cons, and endings, and middles, and circumstances, and conditions, and considerations.
What am i so worried about
1 that i wont be independent anymore
2 that i will get placed on ball and chain?
3 that i will be no good as a wife
4 that billy/me might one day think he has made a mistake
5 commitment
6 getting old
7 growing up
8 learning more about my self
9 being part of a team
10 having to not be selfish
11 being someones someone
12 being happy
ok lets break them down
1 independant, ive not even been that before, i lived with my mum and dad before, and am probably more idependant now than ive ever been
2 the ball and chain, isnt that what a wife is to the hubbie
3 self worth issues, ill make a wonderful wife, im caring, and kind, and thoughtful, and fun, and special, who wanted want me as their wife
4 maybe down the track we might think it was a mistake, but unless i take the chance, how will i ever know- the what might have been would be worse to live with
5 commitment-yep valid comment, commitment is a big step, so only normal that i feel a bit nervous, im sure billy is too
6 getting old, yeah the marriage card does signify that im climbing the ladder of age swiftly
7 growing up, not being able to act like a kid anymore, as kids are more likely on the cards when u have just said i do, almost like the next phase dun dun duuuuun
8 learning more about myself, yes, as being part of a couple means i am faced daily with honesty about myself, my ways that i have to modify and compromise now im no longer single white female.
9 being part of team is something that i should be welcoming, always someone got ya back, always someone to pep you up, my biggest fan, protecting me from my harshest critic, myself, someone who understands me, and can look after and protect me, thats something to be cherised, not worryed about.
10 having to not be selfish, ok i can still be a little bit, it just means that i have to be more accepting of myself and my selfishness, its all good to be selfish, but its also good to practise being selfless too, as i know that this way of acting is beneficial in the grand scheme of things
11 see 9
12 Being HaPPy, why worry about being happy, because, i worry that the happiness i have found, will somehow be taken away from me, at any moment, im trained to think this way, the school of life has taught me to now be very cautious with things that make me happy as its been whipped out from under my nose before, but this only enables me to have the ability to know how to cherish something, a good thing, cherish it, look after it, dont squash it, or squeeze it, be gentle with it, and hoepfully it will stick around.
I suppose what i shouldnt be doing, is taking any of this for granted, i feel better now ive got that off my chest, into tangible reality, disected and released it.
thanks
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