making new friends

Its weird being away from all my friends, well i say all but i count the proper ones on my hand, and then others are friends of friends, who are friends ,but really someone elses mates, who i now know.

So being out here, ive made a friend, again through another friend , its not the same though, when ure used to having the friends that have been around for ages, and know the friend you are today, i mean you shed a lot of things, i mean im not the same friend i was when i was younger, and probably not the same friend i will be in years to come.

its comfortable, to have friends who have been there through some of the life shaping stuff, they know ure strong, or that you can be relied on in a crisis, or to cheer someone up, or to be asked advice from, i like to have people around me who need me to help,

but im a contridiction as sometimes i dont like to help at all.

Its like i like to help, but on my terms, like i want to help on monday, but tuesday i dont as im going shopping, that doesnt mean i wouldnt give up shopping to help someone out, it just means i have noticed i only like to help when i like to help.

HMMM

i dont sound like a very nice person, but i know i am, ive been alittle bit less than nice int he past, but show me someone who hasnt, example, sometimes, i cant be bothered to help so i pretend im busy, or other times, i will feel putout, if someone didnt ring and ask for help from me, i like to feel needed and wanted, i guess most people do, but i seem to miss it when its not here, i like people to see what im up to today, and to see if i want to do something, and other times, i will ignore my phone if i dnt feel like talking, i knw other people do that too so its not that im so bad, its just im a big contridiction, like there are 2 of me, and depending on whos up first, or whos up latest, depends on who you get at anytime during the day.

Im not perfect, i like to think i am a nice person, who likes to help people and would give up my last rolo, but i also accept that there will be times, when i dont feel like being kind, or dont feel like cooking dinner, or dont feel like coming home from work....

yep, tonight i want to stay at work on my blog, and for some reason, i dont want to help him today, i feel like such a bitch, today im feeling selfish is this the kind of girl he knows he is marrying.

ive recently learned just how selfish i really am, i can take it, but it does surprise me, i didnt know i could be so self centred, or i probabaly did, but either way its being shown to me daily.

I like to think that as i can become more aware with how i feel , i can somehow kick my self in the head and start thinking about others and not ME ME ME ME

as my Mother has often told me "the World Sam, doesnt revolve around you!"

hmmm