Am i ready?

How do you know if your ready to take the plunge,

i mean if your ready, do you still have the thoughts about being ready or not?

is it normal to think it over so much and still think it over, although the date is looming, and you already said yes? i mean my auntie was due to get married to a man, and called it off not long before, i should maybe ask her, but yes, she called it off, moved down south, and met and married her current husband and living happily ever after. It wasn't that quick or that simple, but you know where im going with it.

I think alot anyways, so i know this is normal for me, i dont often think of it, but sometimes, i do, as it all seems so FINAL<

i guess being 12,000 miles away from all i have ever known and thought i would know doesnt help much, i know im a little homesick, but i already know what my life is like back home, and although i didnt have any complaints, life is better out here,

am i getting married just to live in this land of opportunities. Would i die if we couldn't be together,

maybe not as Ive been used to a lot of heartache, so i doubt this would hurt any more than anything else, maybe a bit more, but i know i would get over it..

hmmm I'm confused more now I'm writing it down, as that doesn't sound like someone who knows shes doing the right thing.
I wouldn't just do it, so as not to let anyone down, and i know billy wouldn't want me to get married out of any other reason other than i want to.

why do we take the plunge, why do we hesitate?
i like to think everything happens for a reason, but only sometimes i subscribe to this.
i do believe it, but it seems to abandon me when i need it the most, which is the stronger voice inside, my heart or my mind?
hmm i think the heart is the quieter one of the 2, the soft one, who says not to worry, as it will all work out as it should.
its when i listen to my head I'm in trouble, coz its the head that comes up with all the ifs, buts, maybes, what ifs, how abouts etc etc,

Considerations James would call it, just considerations Sam, thats what he would say.

I am happy to be here, and happy to stay here, but i dont feel all in the mood to plan my wedding, and i dont really feel like its me thats getting married,

like the me tryin on the ebay dress, trying to get a video of me in it.
Aiming the webcam so i can see what it looks like on, or me who's borrowing a veil to see if it goes with said ebay dress, or looking for wedding shoes, or worrying about who can come and who cant come, and worrying where we are going to hold the wedding, and worrying about worrying about it all.

it feels sometimes like its happening to someone else, like its all just going on, and im taking part but its not my wedding, its like its a mates wedding, and im just coming along for the fun.

How can i be sure, who do i talk to?

mates, not sure how to articulate what im thinking, as im a little all over the place, big part of me it feels right to be doing it, but then would we be doing it, if i didnt have to leave, would we live in england together, it doesnt appeal to live in the uk with billy, my wish isnt to live there, does that mean i dont love him enough to be anywhere in the world with him?
im really confused, and unless i sort out my head i can not really move forward,

knowing me i will have changed my mind by tomorrow, and feel totally differant.
right now, im having to question my motives and reasons, and i dont want to look back in 5 years and think i should have put more thought into it,

or can you think too much

ARRRGH given myself a headache